Au pair pickle

This is not an easy post to write. But the thoughts are bopping around in my head, and I need them out. So here goes. Sorry.

Our beloved nanny Jessy is going to do some volunteer work overseas. Good on her, she has my full support in this. But of course, I will miss her terribly. We've had some friends staying with us recently, and I realised how much I enjoy having someone else in the house. It's just fantastic what I can do while little Boo Boo is asleep. A quick trip to the shops, or to the vet. Go down in the bush to collect some foliage for the animals. Or even go and pick up the boys from school without having to wake her up. And then there is the joy of having someone else to talk to, to share a coffee and a chat with. Add to that the idea that this someone in the house could actually help with the chores (you know, running a load of washing, hanging up laundry, taking out bins, that sort of stuff) and the idea of an au-pair was born.

As our kids take a while to get used to a new person, I decided that we should get someone before Jessy is off. This would also allow a bit of an overlap period for the au-pair to get settled while Jess was still around to help out. And thus it was organised.

Unfortunately, things have not worked out that way. The au-pair never really settled in, as she felt overwhelmed by the whole thing, and was repeatedly unwell and homesick. After seven weeks, I finally asked her if she thought she'd last the distance until Jess would come back, and to her credit she was honest and admitted that no, she just really wanted to go home. And thus I told her to book a ticket that very day, and I took her to the airport last night.

And now, I realise how much emotional energy this whole thing has cost me. You see, despite her being quiet and shy, I liked her when I got those glimpses of the person underneath the wall of silence. While I have to admit that I started to worry early on, I was not prepared to give up that easily. At the same time, I found it very emotionally draining to have to manage the household and think about the health and welfare of someone else who was clearly not coping and not communicating. I think I just have enough on my plate and felt not capable of taking on more. Of course I can manage someone with an illness. But very early on I got the sense the underlying issue was a fundamental unhappiness of being here, and an unease of dealing with kids. I admit, I found that simply too much to deal with. And I think she really just didn't like us and did not manage to connect with us – especially not with the kids, which is kind of important!

Now I admit, Beaver in particular can seem difficult. But then again, he's such a sensitive soul, he picks up insecurity a mile off. And like any other animal, he goes in for the kill. It took him a long time to be ok with the fact that the au-pair was in a position to tell him what to do. He eventually came to understand that. But at the same time, he knew full well that she did not quite know how to handle him, and he exploited her weakness in this regard and pretty much ignored her. You know, like a dog can just smell a person who is afraid a mile off – and promptly bark and bite? Possum on the other hand is an easy child – anyone willing to listen to him or play Lego with his is his friend instantly. Boo Boo is unhappy with anyone who is not mummy as long as I am around, and happy with anyone playing with her while I'm out of sight – and probably still young and cute enough to get everyone to like her.

Anyway, it didn’t work out. I keep having these conversations in my head where I am arguing with myself why it didn't work, or whether I tried hard enough. My rational side tells me to stop this, but my mind keeps going – and I hope that as always, writing about it will help.

It just didn't work, end of story.

But of course, this has landed me in a bit of a practical pickle. Jessy is off in three weeks time. That is not enough time to find and organise another au-pair. And on top of that, Jess will only be away for seven weeks. She intends to come and work for us again after her trip, preparing for work and study next year. And I would dearly like our Jess back, and don't want to much her around. But seven weeks, that's not enough time for an au-pair to come. I mean, I can hardly get someone to come from the other end of the world for 7 weeks, can I. So I'm looking for someone who is already here and would like to stay a bit longer. They are far and few between. Or a nanny to help out for a few hours a day, or a few days in the holidays. This too is not easy. It's not easy to find someone, and Beaver is not very happy about the idea at all. You see, when I suggested to him that I get someone else, he burst into tears, saying he did not want a stranger in the house, a stranger to pick him up from school. Well, I can understand his reluctance. It always takes him a long long time to get comfortable with a new person.

So, what to do? Hubby is away for a week and a half soon. Thankfully Francine has offered to come and help me out, and her lovely family have agreed to her staying here a bit longer (dankjewel Monique, Pieter, Caroline, Thomas, Myriam, Sam en Tim!).

But what to do in the school holidays? It's a very busy time for hubby, and we're not sure how much time he can take off. I can't stay at home with the kids for three weeks, we will all go mad! Going places on my own with them is hard, what with Beaver tending to want to get into trouble, Possum enthusiastically running off to explore something, and Boo Boo in the wheelchair. Both boys always want to go off in different directions, and Boo Boo wanting something else altogether. Just going to the zoo is a major undertaking. And no, playdates are not that easy either. Possum is fine but Beaver doesn't get invited for play dates, and when he does, he won't let me go - which doesn't work for the other kids.

So, what to do?

Can't say I'm looking forward to the next school holidays….

They say that when a door closes, another one will open. I'm desperately waiting for that opening!

Or maybe I could try hibernation until August?

Invisible People

Last Friday I went to an ad agency. They're preparing a brief to bring disabled kids "out into the open" in a community campaign run by a major corporation. I might be able to tell you more about that later. But for now, let's stick to my visit to the add agency. I was there with a friend who is also a mother of a child with a disability (we both work as volunteers for ACD NSW). The creative team of this big agency wanted to get a bit of an insight of what life is like as a parent of a disabled kid.

Well, it was kind of difficult to explain to three very creative and clever young people what that's like. Most of the reference points are those where you make comparisons with other parents, and since none of these young people are at that stage in their lives, it was kinda tricky.

It's tricky anyway. You want to give people an idea of how hard things can be. But at the same time make it very clear that our kids are neither charity cases nor burdens. That the burden is the way society responds to their disability. That the true disability is the exclusion by society. The negative language used to refer to people with a disability – and it's all so casually done that people don't even realise how hurtful this language can be. You know what I mean. Terms like "the spastic" or expressions like "don't be a retard" or reducing people to their disability 'the blind boy" or "the spina bifida girl".

So I made one comparison which I often make, one younger people seem to be able to relate to.

I explain that disability is natural. It is one of the many facets of humanity. It is just one of those things that make up diversity of people. Yes, people come in all sorts and shapes. White, black and in-between coloured brown. Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, agnostic. Liberal, Conservative, Socialist, Green. Gay, Straight, Transsexual.

Isn't it funny how we have come to accept all those differences with so much more tolerance, especially amongst younger people? Many of them don't give a fiddlers fart about people's sexuality (indeed, many are prepared to experiment themselves with more fluid identities) or political background or religion.

It is, thankfully, no longer ok to use derogatory language to describe people of a different religious or ethnic group than yourself.

Why then, is it still ok to use hurtful language to describe disabled people?

It is, thankfully, no longer ok to ask black people to entre a building through the back door or basement loading dock.

Why then, are wheelchair users supposed to be grateful there even is a back entrance?

Why are ethnic jokes no longer ok, but disabled jokes are?

I think I know partly why. There are many reasons, but there is one that stands out for me. And in the context of the add agency, I feel the need to write about this.

We have become used to seeing people with a different skin colour. Our society has become mixed, we grow up together, got used to each other, realised that we were just all simply people. As "the other" become visible, they become known, and the barrier starts to break down.

Do you remember your primary school books. Pictures full of little blonde, blue eyed kids with traditional names. And then, slowly, slowly, appeared the brown and black faces with different names. One by one. From the token black guy to a mix. My kids' books have Asian, African and European faces all together.

But no disabled kids.

They are just not there. They don't seem to exits. They are invisible.

No wonder then, we get stared at when we go to the shops. No wonder people feel it's ok to make stupid comments, use vile language. No wonder people haven't got the first clue of how difficult it is to get decent services and equipment.

People don't know about us.

Because we don’t exist.

Honestly. We don't.

Or tell me, when was the last time you saw a disabled character in a children's book (and I mean just there, in the background. I'm not even asking for a prime role here).

When was the last time you saw an add on TV with a disabled kids - excluding those for charities and awareness-raising. I mean, an add for MacDonald's. Or breakfast cereal. Or toilet paper for heaven's sake. You know those cute kids, happy faces that seem to look at you everywhere in major department stores or your local supermarket? Ever seen a face with Down syndrome on them?

People with a disability are invisible,

If we want things to change, people to care, we need to become visible. We need to be seen, so we can be heard.

So there is a challenge to all add agencies. Show humanity in all its diversity. Show us.

Zoo Station - Book Review.

You've probably noticed, it's quiet here on rollercoaster parenting. I'm way too busy riding the rollercoaster at the moment. Hubby is travelling, kids are taking turns being sick - as is poor Sanna, who hasn't been well much since she came - and I'm way way behind with all my work. Thankfully it's winter, and there aren't that many animals around!

Regular readers will remember the Transnational Disability-Inspired book club run over on Chewing the Fat, Dave Hingsburger's must read blog. I have managed to read the book, but just can't find the time to write a review - so I will have to throw up my hands in defeat and pass you on to Dave's post and my (small) comment on it:

http://davehingsburger.blogspot.com/2009/05/zoo-station-ctf-book-club.html

Ok. Back to that long list of e-mails I need to attend to...